Shabbat Gathering: My death.

Brian D. Johnson

Jul 5, 2024 • 6 min read

Dear Chevrei, as is our custom, we will gather tonight at 5.45p ct to welcome Shabbat. These are the coordinates:

Zoom
Meeting ID: 883 8469 4181
Password: 822665
Phone: +1 312 626 6799

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Note: I will not be attending tonight's gathering. I've been invited to a Shabbat dinner at the co-housing community I'm joining. Jeanne will be leading tonight.

Here we go.

I’m ready to die. Not like, today. Not like I’m having thoughts of self-harm. I’ve been working on a project to pull everything together for all the things needed to be done at the end of my life. I’ve been doing this based on my mother’s favorite hobby: planning her own death.

Why did she do that?

Mom had a traumatic experience when she was in her twenties. Her parents were killed in a car accident. They had no plans whatsoever and Mom had to plan and pay for everything. She was completely unprepared to do this even with the help of her sister. She vowed she would never let that happen to any of her heirs.

And it didn’t. When she passed, and when my aunt passed a couple of weeks later, there were no decisions for me to make at all and everything was paid for. All I had to do was show up.

Mom had a three-ring binder with all her plans in it. Now and then, she would open it and leaf through her documents. Now, I’ve created my own three-ring binder.

The legal documents.

Mom worked with a lawyer and wrote and kept her will up-to-date. Before dementia set in too deep for her to be responsible, we went to her lawyer’s office one last time, updated her will, got the power of attorney done, got the medical power of attorney done, and made out her living will. While we were there, I did the same. I sent copies of my documents to all the parties named in them so they'll be on hand when it’s time to use them. When I got back to Madison and got my medical team organized, I gave them copies of the pertinent documents and now those documents are on file.

The funeral home.

When I got back to Madison, I went to Cress Funeral Home and worked with someone who had a passing familiarity with Jewish death customs, so that helped making my arrangements easier. I got everything managed and paid for.

My coffin.

Then, I needed a coffin and I turned to Zaccai Lewis, the talented woodworker who made the synagogue’s ark and Torah table. He had a brilliant idea: He made it so the coffin can stand upright, shelves installed, and it can be used as a bookcase. Brilliant! Being buried in a book case is exactly my brand. Zaccai also came up with an idea for a carving on the lid of my coffin. It’s interconnected stars of David and is beautiful. A Jewish coffin is typically a plain pine box that’s made without using any metal. Everything is held together with wooden pegs. And that’s what Zaccai did. I’m very happy with my coffin/bookcase.

A rough draft of what Zaccai came up with.

Picking out my grave.

I’ve been on the board of directors for the Jewish Burial Association of Madison for many years now, so I know the drill for buying a grave. There’s a Jewish section at Sunset Memory Garden that’s managed by the association and it’s divided into two parts. One is for more traditional burials, and the other is for more non-traditional burials such as interning ashes from a cremation. I chose to go with the more traditional section. I needed to pick out my grave and found one next to a small garden. It’s lovely. And I paid for that.

And the cemetery.

I needed to meet with the cemetery and organize the details of being buried and pick out a tombstone at Sunset Memory Gardens. I picked out an upright tombstone in a nice gray. I haven’t decided what will be on it yet. The tombstone will be set a year after I’m buried, as per tradition. Either I have time to write what’s on the tombstone or it will be one of the few things I’ll leave for others to decide.

Final instructions.

Finally, I’m putting together the instructions for Rabbi Laurie. This includes organizing the shomorim and alerting the Chevra Kaddisha. She’ll probably have a couple of calls to make alerting my far flung family. Traditionally, people sit with the body of the deceased before it’s buried. These people are called shomorim (watchers). They sit with the body 24x7 to guard it. The reason for this is that it’s been believed that the soul hovers around the body until it is buried. The soul is confused and agitated. The shomorim reads from the Psalms to comfort the soul. All this takes place at the funeral home and the shomorim sit in one of the rooms used for grieving families. There are comfy chairs there and I’m making sure that coffee is available for those on the nightshift. The shomorim don’t have to spend that much time watching over the body because Jewish funerals usually happen as quickly as possible. (Another reason to have everything lined up beforehand.)

The other thing that happens at the funeral h0me is the task of the group called the Chevra Kaddisha. This group prepares the body for burial. This includes ceremonially washing the body and dressing it in a shroud. Again, Rabbi Laurie knows my wishes and will alert the group that their work is needed. I serve on the Chevra Kaddisha but haven’t been called on yet to perform the ceremony here in Madison. In San Francisco, I did when I worked at a Jewish funeral home. Madison has a long-standing Chevra Kaddisha that serves the entire Jewish community here. (Well, Chabad has their own thing of course.)

My shiva.

There’s the shiva. I’d like the shiva to take place in my home and on Zoom. Others will speak about me as per tradition, but I’m going to color outside the lines with this. I’m preparing a statement I’d like read to the people attending the shiva. (I just can’t stay out of the spotlight.)

Kaddish.

I think I know who will say kaddish for me. It’s a big obligation that requires the prayer said every day for almost a year. After that, kaddish will be said for me on the anniversary of my death, my yahrtzeit.

My three-ring binder.

And that takes care of everything. I have my three-ring “death” binder and will keep it someplace that’s easy to fine. I don’t think I’ll constantly look through it and tweak it like my mother did. I’m just glad that it’s all settled.

And may it be for all of us a blessing.

Gut Shabbes!

All my love,
brian.